i can’t tell you how difficult and excruciating it was to make this. i didn’t make any fancy thingamambobs because it’s too beautiful, too tragically perfect to tamper with, to color, to paint and play with. besides i couldn’t even look at the frames too well. they moved me too much. moved. god what a shameful understatement. words really are quite a letdown, aren’t they? cote’s acting in this scene was beyond superb. it left me speechless. the thorns in my heart the thorns and the—i remember while watching that scene i was digging my fingernails into my skin so hard they left crescent-shaped marks on my hands. 

that “abba!” alone. not because it’s shrill, or dramatic, but the immense power of the grief and the grave, grave lament resonating in that one exclamation. the gripping emotion there is just chilling and hair-raising. the way she holds her father, the way the grief is so cumbersome not even tears could contain it. he is her family. he’s her blood. and in every tremble a prayer. she wants her father back. not this gray head that so shamelessly droops to her shoulder, not the hollow pulse and the rusty stench of fresh blood. and in that small moment where she’s shaking him, it’s just… i can’t. she’s holding on to this false, dire hope that he would come back to life. that he’s as invincible as they both liked to believe. a tenuous prayer, an impending miracle. God it’s so beautiful. it kinda reminds me of the scene in Gilbert Grape where a mentally impaired Leo diCaprio tries to nudge his mom awake. and that’s kinda symbolic, isn’t it? two totally different people, one naive, the other calloused, one innocent and unsuspecting, the other incurably mature, but they’re reduced to the same futile ways. what she did there, how she tried to wake him, that’s a child’s instinct, isn’t it? there is still that reflex, that faltering wish that it’s not true and it couldn’t be true. her father isn’t dead in her arms; he didn’t die because their reconciliation hasn’t even begun; he’s not dead; he can’t be. hold her, just hold her. another minute, another day. she’s been hurt too much, too often. another victory of death with its impeccable timing (i think it was tivaau who said you could hear the defeat in her voice). it hurts so much because death has always been there and life eludes her like she’s the Black Plague. how could it not? she’s only known how to take life. (oh lord this is becoming fanfiction.) anyway, this little rant isn’t even enough to tell you how i feel and how great this episode was how much this has affected me and it’s so beautiful and cote i am giving you a standing ovation with tears and snot-ridden tissues scattered on the floor from the other side of the world. you have restored my faith in television actors. you are a great, great, great, magnificent actress and how you prepared and did those scenes is beyond me (please can i just mention the tear rolling down your cheek and the heavy, weary look in your eyes when tony asked if you can fight in ToC i wanted to hand you an emmy right through the screen there). and michael nouri and rocky carroll deserve a special mention here. same goes for MW (okay, little tiva note: the single glances and tony’s silent emotions and those eyes just wanting to hold ziva but the weight of her anguish is too much and he knows trying to comfort her would damage her more and he knows just what she needs and perfect perfect and god the yellow bun in the oven and how he smiles when he sees the picture of it and they’ve gone from things that matter to babies babies people okay i gotta stop) and MH and SM and PP and RC and the entire cast and the writers and GG and the directors. you have given ncis the quintessential beauty of drama and the hardwork and all the wow it deserves. bravo. 

(p.s. i cannot wait another week for shiva please have mercy on my poor soul)

  1. wishfulthinkinganddreaming reblogged this from gumandmagazines
  2. gracedemola reblogged this from gumandmagazines and added:
    it was everything: ziva’s vulnerable face, ziva’s heartbroken voice, that one word “Abba!” I couldn’t help but feel a...
  3. deliioness reblogged this from gumandmagazines and added:
    I will NEVER get over this!!!!!!!
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    Cote de Pablo deserves an award for this.
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